Administrative Review and Photos

Last week, we attended the state department of social services administrative review of my munchkin's case. It looks like bio-mom is trying, but failing nearly across the board. She attends near parenting skills group and her visitation, but doesn't have a job or home stability, hasn't figured out how to manage her finances or daycare, and is still attached to the abusive relationship with bio-dad. End of the month, we have the next review hearing with the magistrate, and the county will be asking the magistrate to assign to pre-trial for parental rights termination.

Bio-Mom appears to be very sad, as if she realizes that she's fighting a battle that she knows she will eventually lose.

Regarding pictures... our caseworker recommended strongly that we don't post identifiable pictures of the kid until we have custody of him... I'm not sure if it was a legal requirement or advice. In any case, here's a view of his Halloween costume... since then, he's figured out walking with his little walker. Send me a note, and I'll forward you the video. :-)

sigh

Such great plans, I had... and lately I can't find the time to mow the lawn and clean the carpets. I haven't posted pictures, since he's still in the county's custody, not ours...

Actually, I can't complain... life is going pretty well. The kid is crawling, climbing, chattering, growing, and thriving. He's finally bonding with us, finding as much comfort in our arms as he does with his blanket. We have our routines down, and the extended family loves him.

Then there's bio-mom. She's attempting to engage, but really only at the fun, easy stuff. She does her visitation weekly, and six months after they pulled the kid from her home, she finally registered for the nurturing parent group. She hasn't done any of her counseling, her domestic violence therapy, is still living with her aunt and dating the abusive bio-dad in violation of a restraining order. No job, the aunt's house in foreclosure, addicted to an abusive relationship... winning combination.

The kid gets night terrors after the weekly visitation sessions, and all we can do is hold him and hope that the magistrate moves toward termination of parental rights in November, rather than postponing the inevitable until February.

I was asked what had changed since the munchkin came into our lives. Hmm... so much, but maybe the most important is that I would stop a train to protect this kid... send prayers, thoughts, white light, whatever is going to work our way. I'm confident this will end properly, but I'd like a fast-forward button, please.

random thoughts

The kid is mobile. I'm really pleased with his progress in the last month. I never realized how complicated crawling really is, but over the last week, I've watched him go from sort of dragging himself like a seal and rolling across the floor, to a bear-crawl (on his toes and fingers, rolling in the direction he wants to go), and now to actually crawling, one knee in front of the other. He's thriving physically, has gained a little bit of weight, eats like a champion... and he has the biggest belly laugh, which first showed when he met our friends' dogs.

While he's doing well on one hand, we're worried just a little bit, that Michael has had three homes with primary caretakers in the last four months... and he's a perfect, happy baby... who hasn't connected to anybody as "permanent, primary caretaker." We know it will come with time, but it's hard that he doesn't yet distinguish his smiles for us from his smiles for others... and he's not responsive to his own name, really.

We're also relieved, but very sad and disappointed in Bio-Mom. Michael has been with us for a month, and he hasn't seen her once in that time. She has gone MIA more than once, phone disconnected, not returning calls to her social worker. I know it's tough for her, and I have great sympathy, but I'm really seriously hoping that she admits she's not capable of doing this parenting thing. If she relinquishes her parental rights, I'd be very happy to consider semi-open adoption things like providing her an annual photo album showing Michael's happy/healthy development. Still not sure about letting her have annual visits, but could negotiate that. In the meantime, I just keep wondering how she could go absent and not pursue her kid... if she's trying to do the best thing for him, I would still think she would want to do it actively, not by withdrawing and giving up.

Our families are thrilled to have Michael, and they've already decided he's staying permanently. I think he will, and I am head-over-heels in love with him, but I'm afraid to think about what could happen. My life is charmed, I admit... this will work out properly, but I'm not breathing easy until the whole thing is done.

In the meantime, I stood by his crib and stared at him while he slept for almost half an hour, before I realized I was entranced by his breathing.

routine

Okay, figuring out the system here... we have our daily routine down. This kid has to be getting ready for a growth spurt... he's eating like crazy, and he's ready to be mobile!

On a weekday, Michael is up about 7:00 am and has a bottle and some playtime. Nap is about 10 am, followed by veggies with cereal for lunch. More time to play - in the saucer and on his tummy - before an afternoon nap. Then, time with Stay-at-Home Daddy until Work-Daddy gets home from work. More playing, veggies and cereal for dinner, a nice long walk, until an 8:30 bath and 9:00 bedtime.

Weekends are slightly less predictable so far, but something close.

The challenge is when there is still company at 7:30 or 8:00 pm... hard to settle down for bed then, and those are the nights that require a 2:00 am diaper change and rocking or bottle.

Bio-Mom is MIA, not scheduling visitation and not registering for her parenting classes. Hopefully, she is distancing herself in advance of relinquishing parental rights.

open question

Last week, Michael's social worker mentioned that birth mom is considering relinquishing her parental rights, rather than struggling and waiting for the state to terminate them. Tipping the scale was the notion that she could retain some minimal contact with him... perhaps an annual photo book, at most an annual visit near his birthday.

The county doesn't do "open adoptions," per se. What do you think? It might reduce stress a great deal, and she would have no legal parental relationship...

michael's here

Michael arrived this afternoon with the social worker, and he jumped into Alan's arms.

He is a happy seven-month-old baby (though he is overstimulated and overtired tonight!) who came into our house and our hearts tonight. He has been in foster care for the last two months. He is healthy, and weighs in at seventeen pounds.

Michael has had a few visitors already (people who "just couldn't wait"), and is working on getting himself used to his new home. He's trying to sit up, and he's rolling over... and over... so, we're pretty sure he'll be mobile soon.

By the weekend, hopefully he will be ready to play. Tomorrow, we anticipate he may be a bit grumpy (if he doesn't sleep well tonight)... and Thursday he gets a new round of shots (and he may have a field trip to my office).

We know that you're all anxious to meet our boy... and to welcome him into your lives. We can't wait to share him with you!

Some good news from the Social Worker... looks like birth mom may be willing to give up her parental rights voluntarily, rather than waiting for them to be terminated by the county. That would make Michael's first year with us much more relaxing.

Love,
Peter & Alan

tonight, tonight...

We met the social workers yesterday and spent some time with Michael and his foster mother yesterday... and he is coming to our house this afternoon!

So, the tough part that we have to deal with is the reality... he is a foster child, still in the custody of Adams County. He is "ours, but not ours" during this time. There is a social worker concentrating on reunifying him with his birth mother and one working on terminating her parental rights. We are comfortable that the odds are with Michael staying with us forever, and we will treat him as if that is the case. However, we are confident that the system will come to the right conclusion.

In the meantime, yikes! Are we ready for a baby?! Here's the nursery and an introductory picture to Michael.

Standing by... Our file is finally complete, and we have a message from the adoption recruiter that she's calling at 5 to talk about a kid.

inspection and paint

We had our final home inspection today and passed... the Social Worker needs to file her final report, we have to send the cat's vaccination records to the county, and then we wait for "the call."

In the meantime, here are some pictures of the painting projects we've taken on as part of the home prep...

paint

We figured the fastest way to get the county to schedule an inspection was to begin a home project that would create all kinds of hazards for little ones... so we started painting! The problem with a nice open space and a great room is that it's hard to decide where to begin and where to stop...

So, with the entry half-done and ladders, plastic, and open paint cans everywhere, we got the call. Our home inspection is scheduled for next Wednesday afternoon!

That means that this week will be occupied with finishing the painting, cleaning the garage, getting stuff out to GoodWill, and studying the inspection/certification list to be sure we've missed nothing!

one more step

So, while WE are approved, the HOUSE has yet to be certified. Talked to the county social services folk on Friday, and they are working to get the house inspection scheduled in the next week or so.

I've moved the liquor (who knew we had so much booze?!) to a locked cabinet over the fridge... my brother-in-law says that's where his parents kept it, and he and his friends knew exactly how to get into it. But it should be a sufficient hiding place for a two-year-old.

I've installed a new egress ladder in the basement, since we blocked the one the builder put in when we built the deck. I've also updated the fire extinguishers with larger models.

I'm starting to clear out the current guest room, which will become the kid room. We've been using that closet for our rarely-worn suits, wrapping paper, and extra linens. Guess I'll have to do some more closet cleaning elsewhere in the house!

I'm really excited by the support shown by our family and friends. My sister and Alan's sister-in-law are both thrilled, and our parents (while cautious) are ready for more grandchildren.

With my luck, everything is going to happen at once this summer... we'll get a call about our kid(s), Alan will suddenly find a job, and his parents will find that their house sells before the new one is built!

We have many friends and family now ready to bring us their hand-me-downs (everything from car seats and cribs to clothing and toys), but we're resisting until we know who or what is coming to live with us!

Well, off to a bit more waiting. I think we're going to use the next few weeks to do a bit of painting. Time to add some color to more walls in the house.

a bit closer

Tonight, we installed the cat door (with a flap) to the basement and put latches on some key cupboards and drawers in the kitchen. It looks like I do need to get bigger fire extinguishers and order a window well egress ladder (amazon.com has them for $40). And I have to move the booze up above the fridge (I'll move pitchers to the buffet table in the dining room).

So much, it feels like I'll never be quite ready. Thankfully, I have some great moms nearby to help me out and tell me what really needs to be done.

always more waiting

We got the call this morning from Adams County Social Services. Our application has been reviewed and approved! Now comes the "matching" game... they have so many kids and a certain number of approved homes. They have to figure out which is the match made in heaven.

So, it's hurry up and wait...

the list

Ugh. Just reviewed the "certification" list... we've got some work to do.

• Install cat door to the basement
• Put locks on the cupboards in the garage (chemicals, paint, etc.)
• Put the latches on the drawers (knives & scissors)
• Get a lockbox for the medicine
• Look for gates... though that has to wait to see the kids' ages
• Clean the garage
• Upgrade the fire extinguishers
• Move the basement egress ladder
• Turn the guest room into a toddler-safe room
• Figure out what they mean by "locking" the lawnmower and snowblower?
• Do we really need "bumpers" on the coffee table?
• Rearrange the kitchen cupboards... some stuff has to be moved up higher
• How many staircases do we actually have, anyway? Yikes.

theory about to become reality?

Hello, world.

Six months ago, Alan and I finally acted on the "idea" of fatherhood by contacting the Adams County Social Services department to find out about "legal risk" foster-to-adoption. We attended several classes, and were frightened (appropriately) out of our wits by the trauma experienced by so many children. We left, though, with resolve that we could -- and should -- open our home to a child, to be our child.

We've filled out questionnaires, opened up our financial records, passed background checks, and undergone psychological analysis and home study. We've completed our CPR certification, and all that remains is the department's final "approval" and "certification" of our home. (I'm not sure yet how to complete the home certification, since so much of it depends on the age of the child...)

There was a sudden surprise on Wednesday afternoon... the Adams County recruiter asked us if we would consider a "sibling group" for adoption... yikes! Of course, our response was that we would consider anything... tell us more. So, we could go from being DINKS to having multiple kids overnight.

We won't be alone - we are blessed to have a huge extended family. My dad is one of nine kids, my mom is one of four, Alan's dad is one of three, and his mother is one of five. Most of the family is right here in the Denver area, so there are umpteen cousins, second cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles, nephews, and nieces. Babysitters-in-waiting, right? At least, there should be no shortage of advice.

I started hunting for advice for new dads, and I'm fortunate to have discovered the blogs you'll see at the left. I've read each one front to back (and I'm worried about how busy these dads must have been, given some of the gaps in posts!) so I know that we've got a lot of work to do.

I figure I'll use this blog to record some of the experience, express my appreciation for the folks who have gone before me, and perhaps find some rare nugget of wisdom for the next pair of gay dads to come along!

Hopefully, we'll have some news this week. In the meantime, I'm recovering from sticker shock - we went window shopping today to see what we might need to get started in a hurry.

• car seats -- about $130... if we end up with a toddler AND an infant, we'll need 2 for each car!!
• beds -- a crib (does the "lifetime crib" work?) or a bed? Both?
• a stroller -- side-by-side, or front-to-back?
• baby monitor -- Alan wants a video one!
• diaper bag, diapers, food, clothes

Friends have already told us we should avoid things like a changing table and toddler beds... what else are they trying to sell us that we don't need?

I can't believe this could become real so soon... what have we gotten ourselves into? I'm excited and scared and nervous and thrilled...

Good to meet you!