random thoughts

The kid is mobile. I'm really pleased with his progress in the last month. I never realized how complicated crawling really is, but over the last week, I've watched him go from sort of dragging himself like a seal and rolling across the floor, to a bear-crawl (on his toes and fingers, rolling in the direction he wants to go), and now to actually crawling, one knee in front of the other. He's thriving physically, has gained a little bit of weight, eats like a champion... and he has the biggest belly laugh, which first showed when he met our friends' dogs.

While he's doing well on one hand, we're worried just a little bit, that Michael has had three homes with primary caretakers in the last four months... and he's a perfect, happy baby... who hasn't connected to anybody as "permanent, primary caretaker." We know it will come with time, but it's hard that he doesn't yet distinguish his smiles for us from his smiles for others... and he's not responsive to his own name, really.

We're also relieved, but very sad and disappointed in Bio-Mom. Michael has been with us for a month, and he hasn't seen her once in that time. She has gone MIA more than once, phone disconnected, not returning calls to her social worker. I know it's tough for her, and I have great sympathy, but I'm really seriously hoping that she admits she's not capable of doing this parenting thing. If she relinquishes her parental rights, I'd be very happy to consider semi-open adoption things like providing her an annual photo album showing Michael's happy/healthy development. Still not sure about letting her have annual visits, but could negotiate that. In the meantime, I just keep wondering how she could go absent and not pursue her kid... if she's trying to do the best thing for him, I would still think she would want to do it actively, not by withdrawing and giving up.

Our families are thrilled to have Michael, and they've already decided he's staying permanently. I think he will, and I am head-over-heels in love with him, but I'm afraid to think about what could happen. My life is charmed, I admit... this will work out properly, but I'm not breathing easy until the whole thing is done.

In the meantime, I stood by his crib and stared at him while he slept for almost half an hour, before I realized I was entranced by his breathing.

open question

Last week, Michael's social worker mentioned that birth mom is considering relinquishing her parental rights, rather than struggling and waiting for the state to terminate them. Tipping the scale was the notion that she could retain some minimal contact with him... perhaps an annual photo book, at most an annual visit near his birthday.

The county doesn't do "open adoptions," per se. What do you think? It might reduce stress a great deal, and she would have no legal parental relationship...

michael's here

Michael arrived this afternoon with the social worker, and he jumped into Alan's arms.

He is a happy seven-month-old baby (though he is overstimulated and overtired tonight!) who came into our house and our hearts tonight. He has been in foster care for the last two months. He is healthy, and weighs in at seventeen pounds.

Michael has had a few visitors already (people who "just couldn't wait"), and is working on getting himself used to his new home. He's trying to sit up, and he's rolling over... and over... so, we're pretty sure he'll be mobile soon.

By the weekend, hopefully he will be ready to play. Tomorrow, we anticipate he may be a bit grumpy (if he doesn't sleep well tonight)... and Thursday he gets a new round of shots (and he may have a field trip to my office).

We know that you're all anxious to meet our boy... and to welcome him into your lives. We can't wait to share him with you!

Some good news from the Social Worker... looks like birth mom may be willing to give up her parental rights voluntarily, rather than waiting for them to be terminated by the county. That would make Michael's first year with us much more relaxing.

Love,
Peter & Alan

tonight, tonight...

We met the social workers yesterday and spent some time with Michael and his foster mother yesterday... and he is coming to our house this afternoon!

So, the tough part that we have to deal with is the reality... he is a foster child, still in the custody of Adams County. He is "ours, but not ours" during this time. There is a social worker concentrating on reunifying him with his birth mother and one working on terminating her parental rights. We are comfortable that the odds are with Michael staying with us forever, and we will treat him as if that is the case. However, we are confident that the system will come to the right conclusion.

In the meantime, yikes! Are we ready for a baby?! Here's the nursery and an introductory picture to Michael.

paint

We figured the fastest way to get the county to schedule an inspection was to begin a home project that would create all kinds of hazards for little ones... so we started painting! The problem with a nice open space and a great room is that it's hard to decide where to begin and where to stop...

So, with the entry half-done and ladders, plastic, and open paint cans everywhere, we got the call. Our home inspection is scheduled for next Wednesday afternoon!

That means that this week will be occupied with finishing the painting, cleaning the garage, getting stuff out to GoodWill, and studying the inspection/certification list to be sure we've missed nothing!

always more waiting

We got the call this morning from Adams County Social Services. Our application has been reviewed and approved! Now comes the "matching" game... they have so many kids and a certain number of approved homes. They have to figure out which is the match made in heaven.

So, it's hurry up and wait...

theory about to become reality?

Hello, world.

Six months ago, Alan and I finally acted on the "idea" of fatherhood by contacting the Adams County Social Services department to find out about "legal risk" foster-to-adoption. We attended several classes, and were frightened (appropriately) out of our wits by the trauma experienced by so many children. We left, though, with resolve that we could -- and should -- open our home to a child, to be our child.

We've filled out questionnaires, opened up our financial records, passed background checks, and undergone psychological analysis and home study. We've completed our CPR certification, and all that remains is the department's final "approval" and "certification" of our home. (I'm not sure yet how to complete the home certification, since so much of it depends on the age of the child...)

There was a sudden surprise on Wednesday afternoon... the Adams County recruiter asked us if we would consider a "sibling group" for adoption... yikes! Of course, our response was that we would consider anything... tell us more. So, we could go from being DINKS to having multiple kids overnight.

We won't be alone - we are blessed to have a huge extended family. My dad is one of nine kids, my mom is one of four, Alan's dad is one of three, and his mother is one of five. Most of the family is right here in the Denver area, so there are umpteen cousins, second cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles, nephews, and nieces. Babysitters-in-waiting, right? At least, there should be no shortage of advice.

I started hunting for advice for new dads, and I'm fortunate to have discovered the blogs you'll see at the left. I've read each one front to back (and I'm worried about how busy these dads must have been, given some of the gaps in posts!) so I know that we've got a lot of work to do.

I figure I'll use this blog to record some of the experience, express my appreciation for the folks who have gone before me, and perhaps find some rare nugget of wisdom for the next pair of gay dads to come along!

Hopefully, we'll have some news this week. In the meantime, I'm recovering from sticker shock - we went window shopping today to see what we might need to get started in a hurry.

• car seats -- about $130... if we end up with a toddler AND an infant, we'll need 2 for each car!!
• beds -- a crib (does the "lifetime crib" work?) or a bed? Both?
• a stroller -- side-by-side, or front-to-back?
• baby monitor -- Alan wants a video one!
• diaper bag, diapers, food, clothes

Friends have already told us we should avoid things like a changing table and toddler beds... what else are they trying to sell us that we don't need?

I can't believe this could become real so soon... what have we gotten ourselves into? I'm excited and scared and nervous and thrilled...

Good to meet you!