Catching up

So, I have to admit that I have been busy enough I almost forgot about this blog, but more I have been frustrated by the slowness of the legal process. We we supposed to be at trial to terminate parental rights by June, as the Munchkin was removed from his biological parents in May of 2010. At the last minute, bio-mom got into a homeless shelter that caters to young single mothers. Though bio-mom has repeatedly violated court orders prohibiting contact with bio-dad, and neither has made significant progress on their treatment plans, this was enough to continue the case... for six weeks. However, the court docket is so full, that six weeks has become fourteen. By the time we get to the trial, he will be 21 months old, and he will have been in foster care for 16 of them. We still expect termination, but the guardian ad litem has suggested we also consult an attorney to consider suing for custody if termination fails. Ick. In the meantime, we have visitation three days a week, between parenting classes and visits for each parent.

Our little toddler is mostly marvelous... He's small, but he's growing. He's learning to talk, he's running and climbing everywhere. He eats all kinds of interesting things, especially if he can dip his food into something (mostly ketchup and ranch dressing). He's named us "Daddy" and "Abba.". On the other hand, he's willful and obstinate, and suddenly at 18 months we started having absolutely random meltdowns... He can be calmed only when I'm standing and carrying him... Can't sit, can't lie down, can't put him down. They're not common, but they are definitely not fun.

I will attempt to do better at updating this blog, but the next real news will be in September.

Administrative Review and Photos

Last week, we attended the state department of social services administrative review of my munchkin's case. It looks like bio-mom is trying, but failing nearly across the board. She attends near parenting skills group and her visitation, but doesn't have a job or home stability, hasn't figured out how to manage her finances or daycare, and is still attached to the abusive relationship with bio-dad. End of the month, we have the next review hearing with the magistrate, and the county will be asking the magistrate to assign to pre-trial for parental rights termination.

Bio-Mom appears to be very sad, as if she realizes that she's fighting a battle that she knows she will eventually lose.

Regarding pictures... our caseworker recommended strongly that we don't post identifiable pictures of the kid until we have custody of him... I'm not sure if it was a legal requirement or advice. In any case, here's a view of his Halloween costume... since then, he's figured out walking with his little walker. Send me a note, and I'll forward you the video. :-)

sigh

Such great plans, I had... and lately I can't find the time to mow the lawn and clean the carpets. I haven't posted pictures, since he's still in the county's custody, not ours...

Actually, I can't complain... life is going pretty well. The kid is crawling, climbing, chattering, growing, and thriving. He's finally bonding with us, finding as much comfort in our arms as he does with his blanket. We have our routines down, and the extended family loves him.

Then there's bio-mom. She's attempting to engage, but really only at the fun, easy stuff. She does her visitation weekly, and six months after they pulled the kid from her home, she finally registered for the nurturing parent group. She hasn't done any of her counseling, her domestic violence therapy, is still living with her aunt and dating the abusive bio-dad in violation of a restraining order. No job, the aunt's house in foreclosure, addicted to an abusive relationship... winning combination.

The kid gets night terrors after the weekly visitation sessions, and all we can do is hold him and hope that the magistrate moves toward termination of parental rights in November, rather than postponing the inevitable until February.

I was asked what had changed since the munchkin came into our lives. Hmm... so much, but maybe the most important is that I would stop a train to protect this kid... send prayers, thoughts, white light, whatever is going to work our way. I'm confident this will end properly, but I'd like a fast-forward button, please.

random thoughts

The kid is mobile. I'm really pleased with his progress in the last month. I never realized how complicated crawling really is, but over the last week, I've watched him go from sort of dragging himself like a seal and rolling across the floor, to a bear-crawl (on his toes and fingers, rolling in the direction he wants to go), and now to actually crawling, one knee in front of the other. He's thriving physically, has gained a little bit of weight, eats like a champion... and he has the biggest belly laugh, which first showed when he met our friends' dogs.

While he's doing well on one hand, we're worried just a little bit, that Michael has had three homes with primary caretakers in the last four months... and he's a perfect, happy baby... who hasn't connected to anybody as "permanent, primary caretaker." We know it will come with time, but it's hard that he doesn't yet distinguish his smiles for us from his smiles for others... and he's not responsive to his own name, really.

We're also relieved, but very sad and disappointed in Bio-Mom. Michael has been with us for a month, and he hasn't seen her once in that time. She has gone MIA more than once, phone disconnected, not returning calls to her social worker. I know it's tough for her, and I have great sympathy, but I'm really seriously hoping that she admits she's not capable of doing this parenting thing. If she relinquishes her parental rights, I'd be very happy to consider semi-open adoption things like providing her an annual photo album showing Michael's happy/healthy development. Still not sure about letting her have annual visits, but could negotiate that. In the meantime, I just keep wondering how she could go absent and not pursue her kid... if she's trying to do the best thing for him, I would still think she would want to do it actively, not by withdrawing and giving up.

Our families are thrilled to have Michael, and they've already decided he's staying permanently. I think he will, and I am head-over-heels in love with him, but I'm afraid to think about what could happen. My life is charmed, I admit... this will work out properly, but I'm not breathing easy until the whole thing is done.

In the meantime, I stood by his crib and stared at him while he slept for almost half an hour, before I realized I was entranced by his breathing.

routine

Okay, figuring out the system here... we have our daily routine down. This kid has to be getting ready for a growth spurt... he's eating like crazy, and he's ready to be mobile!

On a weekday, Michael is up about 7:00 am and has a bottle and some playtime. Nap is about 10 am, followed by veggies with cereal for lunch. More time to play - in the saucer and on his tummy - before an afternoon nap. Then, time with Stay-at-Home Daddy until Work-Daddy gets home from work. More playing, veggies and cereal for dinner, a nice long walk, until an 8:30 bath and 9:00 bedtime.

Weekends are slightly less predictable so far, but something close.

The challenge is when there is still company at 7:30 or 8:00 pm... hard to settle down for bed then, and those are the nights that require a 2:00 am diaper change and rocking or bottle.

Bio-Mom is MIA, not scheduling visitation and not registering for her parenting classes. Hopefully, she is distancing herself in advance of relinquishing parental rights.

open question

Last week, Michael's social worker mentioned that birth mom is considering relinquishing her parental rights, rather than struggling and waiting for the state to terminate them. Tipping the scale was the notion that she could retain some minimal contact with him... perhaps an annual photo book, at most an annual visit near his birthday.

The county doesn't do "open adoptions," per se. What do you think? It might reduce stress a great deal, and she would have no legal parental relationship...

michael's here

Michael arrived this afternoon with the social worker, and he jumped into Alan's arms.

He is a happy seven-month-old baby (though he is overstimulated and overtired tonight!) who came into our house and our hearts tonight. He has been in foster care for the last two months. He is healthy, and weighs in at seventeen pounds.

Michael has had a few visitors already (people who "just couldn't wait"), and is working on getting himself used to his new home. He's trying to sit up, and he's rolling over... and over... so, we're pretty sure he'll be mobile soon.

By the weekend, hopefully he will be ready to play. Tomorrow, we anticipate he may be a bit grumpy (if he doesn't sleep well tonight)... and Thursday he gets a new round of shots (and he may have a field trip to my office).

We know that you're all anxious to meet our boy... and to welcome him into your lives. We can't wait to share him with you!

Some good news from the Social Worker... looks like birth mom may be willing to give up her parental rights voluntarily, rather than waiting for them to be terminated by the county. That would make Michael's first year with us much more relaxing.

Love,
Peter & Alan